Danny Breslin

How it is…

Hands Off, It’s Mine

I’m not a selfish person, I would give someone my last pound if they needed it more than me. I would give up my last Rolo, I’d feed the needy and tend to the sick….well you get my point. There is one thing that I hate though (just one you grumpy bastard?) and it is something that women do and men tolerate, something I will not be a party to: when you are in a restaurant with me and you order something different to what I order, do not ever, under any circumstances TOUCH MY FOOD!!!!

How many times does my other half have to be told? I think she must enjoy being stabbed in the back of her hand with a fork. The meals come to the table and it starts quite innocently but you know she’s building up to it: “What did you have?”

“You know what I had, you were sat there when I ordered it.”

“It looks nice.”

“It’s mine.”

“Let me just try a bit?”

“It’s mine.”

Her hand starts snaking slowly across the table, I slap it away, “It’s mine!”

“Don’t be silly, I just want a taste.” The hand tries a second time, again I manage to fend it off.

“You should have ordered it for yourself if you wanted to taste it.”

“You can try some of mine.” The hand starts its third attack.

“I don’t want any of yours, that is yours, this is mine.” She had been warned and this time the hand gets to the edge of my plate before I stab it with my fork. The hand withdraws, my plate is safe. She accuses me of being childish, to prove her right I petulantly shrug my shoulders.

“You’re being selfish!”

“It’s better than being a thief.” She says she’s going to tell my Uncle and Aunt who always take her side. “So! A thief AND a grass!” If she’s looking for support then so would I. Turning to the couple at the next table I address the male half: “Can you believe this?” A look of pure panic flashes across his face, he looks at me then at his wife’s stoney face then bows his head, he wants no part of this and risk her wrath. It was obvious whose side she was on, no doubt she’d had a few forkfuls of his food and no matter how much that galled him he didn’t have the guts to complain. He should bow his head in shame, a traitor to his gender.

I turn away in disgust, I can no longer look at him. I fully intend to stand my ground on this one, if she carries on the fork will be sticking out of her forehead and she can tell everyone she’s decided to go with the dalek look this season. I turn back to face the foe and realise that during my brief distraction she’s already dug in to my food and is complaining that they might have used a bit too much salt.


November 21, 2012 - Posted by | Stuff and Nonsense | , , , , , ,


  1. Its the other way round with us. My hubby’s forever progging my food! I don’t mind though. As long as it means I might get thin.

    Comment by Yaz | November 21, 2012 | Reply

    • Thin’s overrated, especially with winter setting in.

      Comment by Danny Breslin | November 21, 2012 | Reply

  2. Oh my God! I couldn’t stop laughing. my husband must read this, I always, always steal his food. Be nice next time Danny and no Daleks please… Love this post!!

    Comment by Seyi sandra | November 21, 2012 | Reply

    • I’ll make a deal with you: I’ll promise to try to be nicer to my wife if you promise to be understanding when your husband drives his fork through your hand. I’m glad you like the blog, I’m a fan of yours too.

      Comment by Danny Breslin | November 21, 2012 | Reply

      • No deal! You know I can’t allow that, I’ll simply drive mine straight in to his!! My love to your wife, she has to eat your food, I’m right behind her!!

        Comment by Seyi sandra | November 22, 2012

  3. Im guilty on this one and hubby just stares at me once my fork lands at his food 🙂

    Comment by The Lowe's RV Adventures | November 21, 2012 | Reply

    • It’s time he took action, it’s time men everywhere stood up and cried “YOU MAY TAKE OUR FREEDOM, BUT YOU’LL NEVER TAKE OUR DINNER!!!!!!!”

      Comment by Danny Breslin | November 21, 2012 | Reply

  4. This was too funny. Between me and my friends, the unwritten rule is that we do not covet or ask for tasties. That only happens if we decide to offer each other a piece, and that all depends on portion size 🙂

    Comment by jacquiefioramonti | November 21, 2012 | Reply

    • That’s fair enough, to me my plate is my own private kingdom and I’ll defend it with my life.

      Comment by Danny Breslin | November 23, 2012 | Reply

  5. Reminds me of Joey in FRIENDS:)

    Comment by flyingbubbles | November 22, 2012 | Reply

    • What? Hang on, I’m not a viewer of said programme but wasn’t Joey the thick one? Well thanks alot! hehehe

      Comment by Danny Breslin | November 22, 2012 | Reply

      • But Joey was also the ladies man:)

        Comment by flyingbubbles | November 23, 2012

  6. Do you know what’s worse?
    When you are out eating and someone at the table, a “friend” or whatever, just takes a piece of food off your plate without asking AND THEN asks if they can try some?!
    I mean, you’ve already taken it..why you asking now?! And then they have the audacity to say it’s not that nice!
    Why you are touching my food in the first place is beyond me.
    UURGH! Stress!
    And when people think I must share apple juice! I don’t know who they think they are but I usually just laugh and walk away..WITH my juice!
    I actually whole-heartedly feel your pain Danny..completely on this one!

    Comment by originalapplejunkie | November 24, 2012 | Reply

    • People will always take liberties if they think that there will be no negative outcome, Apples my friend I would never condone violence (ahem) but it is time you convinced people that messing with your apple juice will produce some desperately, desperately negative outcomes for the perpetrators. In my experience it just takes one example and others will have a little more respect for your boundaries. If you don’t fancy doing it yourself I will lend you Bones who will sort the whole situation out and he will only charge a small fee consisting of a couple of biscuits and a scratch behind the ear.

      Comment by Danny Breslin | November 26, 2012 | Reply

  7. LMAO! Ok, if I can ever stop laughing I will comment. Ya know how to cure this? At the end of the meal you excuse yourself for a minute and head for the car and drive home leaving her there to pay the bill and find her way home. Guarantee it works for she will never go out to dinner with you again… snicker…
    chuck and the horrified collies who by the way always share dad’s food….

    Comment by colliesofthemeadow | November 27, 2012 | Reply

    • I’ll try that, thanks for the advice – you know, you should be an agony uncle with an advice column in the newspaper, divorce rates would soar!

      Comment by Danny Breslin | November 30, 2012 | Reply

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