Danny Breslin

How it is…

The Ratcatcher

I was bored.

It was a slow day, one of many, and I was looking for something to keep me amused – if only for a while. I was sat in the living room of the house I shared with Matt, Jo and Kate; I had some studying to do for an essay that needed to be handed in at the beginning of the following week, but that was days away and I always left such things until the day before. I had no lectures to go to, it was after breakfast but before lunch, the pubs weren’t open and it would be a couple of hours before Neighbours came on.

Jo was out at a lecture, Matt was out doing God knows what (but I bet it wasn’t hygenic!) and Kate was upstairs studying like the goody two shoes student she was.

I was bored.

I wandered into the kitchen to put the kettle on and see if there were any biscuits that I could ‘liberate’ from the confines of someone else’s cupboard. Matt had a penchant for jammy dodgers and more than once we had argued furiously when he said the packet was lighter than the last time he had visited it. I acted hurt by his accusations but was given away by the crumbs on the front of my jumper. But when I got there the cupboard was bare, as the rhyme goes. Damn!

I leaned back on the worktop with my arms crossed and looking up at the ceiling trying to think of an excuse to disturb Kate from her work. Then it came to me and a grin spread across my face, slowly at first, then ever more rapidly until it linked my ears.

“Kate? I’m going round the corner to see Wesley, back in a minute.” I shouted up the stairs. Wesley was our landlord, a six foot five giant from St Lucia with a tombstone-like gold tooth that glittered when he smiled. We were never late paying our rent! To be honest he was a good lad and we got on well.

“What are you going there for?” She asked.

“We’ve got a rat.”

“What? Where?”

“In the kitchen, behind the washing machine.”

“Is it big?” Her voice cracking as it hit a higher key betraying the fear that had started to grip her.

“Yeah, it’s a beauty.” I opened the front door and closed it behind me, counted to ten then opened it again. “Tell you what, I don’t need Wesley, I’ll get it myself.”

“Be careful,” she urged. I went into the kitchen and grabbed the broom, upending it I proceeded to beat the floor as if trying to kill this rat by beating it to death – not something I would actually do if faced with a real rodent, I’d be more likely to coax it into a box, or get the missus to sort it out for me ; )

“Oh no, it’s got past me! It’s in the hall!” I yelled. I was happily dashing about and banging the broom handle on the floor and grunting as if locked in mortal combat: “Come here you little bastard!” I could hear my housemate whimpering in her room above.

“What’s happening?” Her voice sounding as if she was on the last bus to hysteria.

“Agh, it’s on the stairs! Kate, it’s coming up the stairs!” I yelled while charging up and banging my hands down on the steps ahead of me. As I reached eye level with the landing I could see through the bannisters and into her room. She was stood on her bed with two fistfuls of her hair on either side of her head and screaming like a Banshee.

That was it for me, my legs collapsed and I sat on the stairs, my body wracked with laughter until I thought I’d got a hernia. The more she cursed the day I was born, the more I laughed. Luckily (eventually) she saw the funny side too so I didn’t get strychnine in my tea or my throat cut as I slept. Yes, perhaps it was desperately cruel but I was desperately bored and, after all, desperate times call for desperate measures.



February 12, 2013 - Posted by | Stuff and Nonsense | , , ,


  1. I think it would be interesting to hear Kate’s point of view!

    Comment by Clowie | February 12, 2013 | Reply

    • I’m sure she would be kind in her assessment of our friendship all those years ago, I was like an annoying brother to her. Although to be honest we lost contact a couple of years after we finished uni which is a shame because we were great pals back then.

      Comment by Danny Breslin | February 12, 2013 | Reply

      • An annoying brother! That’s the kind version? I’m still laughing!

        Comment by Clowie | February 12, 2013

  2. I’m so glad I never had brothers!

    Comment by Alison | February 12, 2013 | Reply

    • Oh come off it, you’d love to have a brother like me – it would never be boring!

      Comment by Danny Breslin | February 18, 2013 | Reply

  3. Oh my goodness, I’m howling with laughter over here! Poor Kate… You really were one for pranks during those dark days of university. Hilarious post and thanks for sharing the story.

    Comment by Audrey | February 12, 2013 | Reply

    • Cheers mate. I’ve calmed down alot since then, the pranks are a thing of the past – too much like hard work – but the banter down the pub can get fierce.

      Comment by Danny Breslin | February 18, 2013 | Reply

  4. You are so mean – but so funny!!

    Comment by gabrielablandy | February 13, 2013 | Reply

  5. That was REALLY a horrible prank! I couldn’t live in a house that I thought a rat might have visited.

    Comment by Yaz | February 13, 2013 | Reply

    • It’s funny you should say that, I’ve overheard rats saying the same about me!

      Comment by Danny Breslin | February 18, 2013 | Reply

  6. Oh, you are truly wicked Danny! 😉
    (However, I am going to tuck this little trick in my back pocket for potential borrowing!)

    Comment by Denise Hisey | February 13, 2013 | Reply

    • You are very welcome to it Denise. You could also try the fingers in the (unplugged) toaster electrocution trick: simply back comb your hair until it stands on end then as your significant other walks in the room put your fingers in the toaster and shake like you’re being fried. I think I saw that on an old episode of Roseanne, it works a treat.

      Comment by Danny Breslin | February 18, 2013 | Reply

  7. Hallo,
    This is for you, for being kind to others and me : )
    Pick it up here if you want to http://summer4soul.wordpress.com/2013/02/14/valentines-day-this-is-for-you-because-you-are-love/

    Sweet greetings, Summer

    Comment by Summer | February 14, 2013 | Reply

  8. My husband told me there was a mouse in the house. I went upstairs and didn’t come down. I was scared. He even went out and bought a rat trap. I was freaking out.

    Later, he asked me if I saw the big giant ant sitting in the chair in the kitchen. It was then that I realized the man was taking pain medicine for his back, and he was seeing things that weren’t there.

    A true story!

    Comment by hoping4astory | February 14, 2013 | Reply

    • That’s hilarious… by the way, just out of interest can you remember the name of those pills he was popping? hehehehe

      Comment by Danny Breslin | February 18, 2013 | Reply

  9. Poor Kate and shame on you lol!

    Comment by Beauty of Freedom | February 17, 2013 | Reply

    • Well shame on you for laughing !!!!

      Comment by Danny Breslin | February 18, 2013 | Reply

  10. I rolled on the floor laughing! Great post and great job of messing with Kate… hehehehehe Well, off to think about trying to pull the same thing on my wife…. hehehe

    Comment by colliesofthemeadow | March 6, 2013 | Reply

    • Yes, definitely do it – but make sure you have an escape route in case she doesn’t find it funny. Maybe get the collies to run interference?

      Comment by Danny Breslin | March 6, 2013 | Reply

  11. […] from when I was at university, living in the Halls of Residence in the first year and annoying my friend Kate the other two years. Occasionally I’ve mentioned one or two things from my often shady past, […]

    Pingback by Bogged down « Danny Breslin | November 15, 2013 | Reply

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