Danny Breslin

How it is…

The Groom’s Mother’s Hat

“I ain’t going, I don’t even like weddings.”

“You’ve gotta go, Rob’s sister told me I’ve got to bring you with me.” Tyler insisted.

“I’ve only met her once, why would the bride want me to be at her wedding when she don’t even know me? This ain’t gonna get weird is it?”

“I don’t know, for some strange reason she thinks you’re funny, and I quote ‘really sweet’.”

“You’re sure she was on about me?” I asked, puzzled. Rob was Tyler’s mate from work, I’d met him a few times and he was a good lad. I reluctantly agreed.

“Oh and when you see Tom (the groom) don’t call him Timmy like you did last time, he really hates it.”

It was a posh do at a fancy hotel in Birmingham, apparently the Groom’s family had money. We got suited and booted and, along with Tyler’s missus, we attended the evening soiree. I was young and a bit unruly to be honest, this was before I’d met and been tamed by the present Mrs Breslin, and Mandy, that’s Tyler’s girlfriend made me promise to behave myself.

Behave myself I did, for a while, but the agony of being introduced to uncles, aunts, cousins, grannies and grandads – smiling, shaking hands and making small talk – started getting a bit much. I began to place my trust in my beer to ease the pain. I started making up different stories when they asked me what I do: I’m an explorer for National Geographic; I’m a mercenary running guns to the Shining Path; I’m the member of Parliament for Tamworth; I’m a dolphin trainer at Sea World – I’ve got three dolphins called Flipper, Skipper and Dipper; I’m a shark fighter, “…you see that scar? 6 foot Mako!”

Things started getting a bit hazy after that, the last thing I remember was dancing with (or more like being propped up by) the groom’s impossibly stunning and incredibly posh sister while wearing her mother’s hat which probably cost more than everything both me and Tyler were wearing put together, and shouting across the dance floor “Oi! Timmy, we’re gonna be related!”

Fast forward about three weeks and the happy couple were back from their honeymoon and both families gathered to watch the wedding video. I got this story secondhand but it is what Rob told Tyler. I don’t know if it hadn’t been edited properly but at one point the videographer was passing through the crowd, the light attached to his camera was far too bright and was blinding everyone. You saw Tyler for a second averting his eyes and then apparently my head popped up to fill the screen and I said “Go on now, that’s enough, f*** off!” Everyone sat there with their mouths open in shock, Rob cringed and sank down into his chair, the groom’s sister blushed scarlet and the groom’s mother jumped to her feet and yelled, “That’s him, that’s the one who stole my hat!”

 

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April 20, 2013 - Posted by | Stuff and Nonsense | , , , ,

20 Comments »

  1. Knicked!

    Comment by john zande | April 20, 2013 | Reply

    • Unfairly accused! I didn’t actually leave the building with it, so if she lost it then it’s her problem. I can’t remember how I got it though, I just hope I didn’t actually whip it off her head!

      Comment by Danny Breslin | April 23, 2013 | Reply

  2. 😆

    Comment by marina kanavaki | April 20, 2013 | Reply

    • Stop laughing Marina, you’re just encouraging me to be bad.

      Comment by Danny Breslin | April 23, 2013 | Reply

  3. Hilarious! Second blogger this morning to make me laugh. Good way to start the day!

    Comment by Alison | April 20, 2013 | Reply

  4. Oh Lord, that was funny. Obviously, you are my kind of guy. If you’re lucky, word will get around, and these off-handed invites will cease.

    Comment by richardmax22 | April 20, 2013 | Reply

    • They ceased a long while ago thankfully, I was running out of stories to make up about my occupation – maybe I should just say professional hat thief.

      Comment by Danny Breslin | April 23, 2013 | Reply

  5. http://iamforchange.wordpress.com/awards-page-and-nominations-thank-you-i-am-so-honored-and-grateful/ I wanted to share with you and say thank you!

    Comment by iamforchange | April 21, 2013 | Reply

  6. That was a real good story and it played in my head even as I read it. Weddings can be tiresome… in equal measure, in Delhi and London, I guess.
    You gave the couple the story of a lifetime, for their grandkids. You should ask get royalty, Danny! Yes, certainly!

    Comment by mj | April 21, 2013 | Reply

    • I’ve been to Hindu and Sikh weddings, they seem to go on for days. I’ve never been invited to a Muslim wedding which suits me because I’m not sure I could handle it without alcohol.

      Comment by Danny Breslin | April 23, 2013 | Reply

  7. Ah, Danny, you are quite the comical cad aren’t you?
    😉

    Comment by Denise Hisey | April 21, 2013 | Reply

  8. This is such a funny story. Great start to my day!thank you

    Comment by flyingbubbles | April 23, 2013 | Reply

    • No thanks needed mate, it’s my pleasure.

      Comment by Danny Breslin | April 23, 2013 | Reply

  9. So, how have relations been since then? Hehehehe….. just a question…. if you dont remember taking it how do you know you didnt leave with it? LOL…. Remind me if I ever make it to Merry Old England to stop and party with you… 🙂

    Comment by colliesofthemeadow | April 27, 2013 | Reply

    • You’re always welcome Chuck, if only our livers could take the abuse though eh?
      You make a good point, the only reason I don’t believe I left with it is I didn’t wake up wearing it, so who knows? I never saw any of them again and it’s been a few years since I saw Tyler.

      Comment by Danny Breslin | April 27, 2013 | Reply

  10. Haha blogs that make me almost pee myself are my favorite :).

    Comment by Judith Willems | May 1, 2013 | Reply

    • Almost? Whaddaya mean almost? I going to have to try harder!!!

      Comment by Danny Breslin | May 1, 2013 | Reply


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