Danny Breslin

How it is…

Slimed!

If there’s one thing that gets me mad (just one?) it’s cruelty to animals. There is absolutely no excuse for causing suffering to an animal, it’s just wrong. Yet sometimes it is difficult to resist giving a certain dog a damned good thrashing. He knows I’m writing this, I’ve told him, he just shrugged, rolled over and went back to sleep with a satisfied smile on his chops. Damn him!

On Saturday morning I was on the phone to my mate Gus, arranging to meet up for a beer later that day. Bones came trotting in with his usual cocky swagger, I could see he was looking for some mischief to get into. He looked around the room and spied his favourite ball which he brought over to me demanding I play with him. As I ignored him he jumped up against my leg, I brushed him off and told him to wait. He dropped the ball at my feet and looked up at me with his head cocked to one side, not quite believing that I didn’t want to play.

I was telling Gus that I’d been in touch with Stig, a friend of ours from Denmark who’d travelled across the Himalayas with us, Bones tried one more time to get me to play but I was still ignoring him.

I should have seen the warning signs when his mouth dropped open into the smile he wears just before he does something he knows is wrong. He suddenly dived on my foot and clamped his jaws around my slipper, his sharp little teeth digging into the flesh. I yelled out some choice expletives to which Gus replied, “That’s a bit harsh…” I assured him he wasn’t the object of my wrath. By this time my slipper had been unceremoniously removed from my foot. He skipped across the room with it in his mouth, looking back to see if I was giving chase. When he saw that I was still on the phone he laid it down and started licking the inside, his favourite trick as readers of Bones’ Diary will already be aware.

I couldn’t take it any longer, telling Gus I’d see him later I put the phone down and lurched toward the demon that was sliming my slipper. He suddenly realised that I was between him and the door, he grabbed his prize and tried to dart past not believing I was anywhere near quick enough to stop him. He miscalculated as I managed to snare the toe of my slipper causing him to jack-knife and his back end to slide around 180 on the smooth floor. He knew he would have to let go as other hand reached for his collar. He dropped it and ducked out of my grasp and out of the room.

His little legs were a blur as he tried to gain purchase and take the corner that would bring him into the kitchen where the stone tiles would give him more grip. And it was grip he would need because now I was armed with a slimy slipper and there was only one place that was headed for! Just as I was reaching for him his feet found enough grip to evade me again and he shot forward into the kitchen while I sailed on by and into the bathroom door.

Alf and Jess had come to see what the racket was but they quickly disappeared out of the way when they realised that it was escalating into all-out conflict. My chance was gone though: he was through the kitchen, out the back door and into the garden where he could manoeuvre at will. There’s no point chasing him out there because my stamina would run out long before his did.

I had to go without slippers for the rest of the day as the slime needed time to dry out. He kept out of the way until his mom came home and he stuck close to her knowing that she would protect him. That night he snuggled up next to her on the sofa and I could see him laughing at me before he dozed off in comfort and safety.

It’s okay Bones, it’ll keep. You just make sure you sleep with one eye open!

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September 2, 2013 - Posted by | Stuff and Nonsense | , , , ,

15 Comments »

  1. Don’t you just love our fluffy little friends, the animals too! 🙂 My cat is like my fourth child, and about as cheeky too. We have a three second rule in the house, that if you leave your seat and don’t return instantly somebody fills it, the cat does it too. In fact she does it just when you’re about to sit down to dinner, which can be a bit painful for her but she is mighty comfortable and is a good substitute cushion! Haha!
    Your little Bones sounds great 🙂

    Comment by mariatothecore | September 2, 2013 | Reply

    • That depends on your definition of great. If it comes before “…pain in the arse” then yes he is tremendous. Nah he’s cool, just a bit too much like me when I was younger.
      I love cats, I’ve got two of them. Now that’s a proper pet!

      Comment by Danny Breslin | September 2, 2013 | Reply

      • Ah you love Bones, just like I love my kids! lol even though they are a pain in the arse most of the time! Pets and small kids, not a lot of difference really…

        Comment by mariatothecore | September 3, 2013

  2. Sounds like the same love/hate relationship I had with my dog Worthless. By the way, I purchased your book and am about a third of the way through. Not only is it truly entertaining, I’m learning a whole new vocabulary of words. Seriously, Danny, I’m really enjoying the read.

    Comment by richardmax22 | September 2, 2013 | Reply

    • Calling your dog Worthless is so wrong, the poor little bugger. LOL
      I’m so glad you’re enjoying the book. I should have included a little appendix at the back, a sort of Tamworth – English dictionary. If you need help with any of them, for example “applecatchers” then please get in touch.

      Comment by Danny Breslin | September 4, 2013 | Reply

  3. Well he wanted to play and he did. You just have to learn that dogs and cats always get their own way.

    Comment by Christopher Meade | September 2, 2013 | Reply

    • Isn’t that the truth. I’m definitely bottom of the pecking order in my house. I even get fed last!

      Comment by Danny Breslin | September 4, 2013 | Reply

  4. My dear Danny, aren’t you forgetting something? Who’s boss?!!! 😆

    Comment by marina kanavaki | September 2, 2013 | Reply

  5. Max & Bella read this and have their tales between their legs, BOL (bark out loud, lol). wag wag, biped Paulette

    Comment by The Persecution of Mildred Dunlap | September 2, 2013 | Reply

    • I saw the photo of Max and Bella on your blogsite: ahhhhhhhhhh bless!!!! They’re gorgeous, and you know me, I usually don’t gush and go all gooey.

      Comment by Danny Breslin | September 4, 2013 | Reply

  6. Oh, Ginger is pleased with Bones! Nice to know I am not the only one with a Satan Spawn for a dog.. LOL…. the collies of course cheered for Bones! I feel your pain Danny… you know I do! 🙂

    Comment by colliesofthemeadow | September 14, 2013 | Reply

    • I knew Ginger would love that. Why are our blessings also such a curse?

      Comment by Danny Breslin | September 16, 2013 | Reply

  7. […] I don’t remember how I came across Danny Breslin’s blog… maybe he came across mine…, well, either way I don’t remember (I do have the memory of a goldfish, remember?) But what I do know is that he has not failed to make me smile ever since. The tagline to his blog is How it is… and it does exactly what it says on the tin. I love all his stories, especially the ones that involve his perfectly behaved pet, Bones. […]

    Pingback by A 4star Life | September 24, 2013 | Reply


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