Danny Breslin

How it is…

Beware of the what?

Postmen and Postwomen get bitten by dogs, it’s the way of the things. It has always been so and always will be.

Those lucky and enlightened souls among you who have read my book Me & Gus on the Roof of the World will know that I was, at one time, a courier. I drove my van around South Leicestershire bringing parcels and, hopefully, a bit of happiness to the good people I met. This is a tale about an encounter with a dangerous animal.

I had to deliver a package to a farm. I wasn’t particularly fond of delivering to farms because they were by necessity outside of town so took me more time to get to. Another reason was the state of some of the farmyards: mud and worse on my shiny paint work and my feet; while not as shiny as my van, I would still have preferred them free of cow excrement. Oh and not forgetting the pissy attitudes of one or two of the inbred rednecks who I have had the misfortune to meet. Not all, most of them are decent hardworking folk, but some of them…

This one fine morning the weather was warm enough for me to put my shorts on. I went bumping down the uneven farm track to a gate, barring my way into the yard, with a large sign saying “Beware: dangerous dogs loose. Sound your horn before entering.”

I sounded my horn just as a large rottweiler trotted towards the gate to see if there was anything worth chewing. I involuntarily rubbed my leg at the thought of it being on the menu. Another beast came from behind a shed and started to take an interest, I wondered if they might start eating their way into the van, spitting out the wing mirrors and upholstery before starting on my tasty carcass.

The farmer appeared, a grumpier and more crimson faced individual I’ve never met. “Wait there!” He bellowed at me from three feet away even though my window was wound down. He muttered a command and the dogs followed him towards the house, his wife appeared to take them inside as the electronic gate silently moved aside to let me through. I think it was his wife but if I was being cruel I’d have to say they did look remarkably similar…

I pulled the van into the yard, opened the door and stepped down. I noticed a border collie sitting a few yards away, its mouth open in a grin and its tail wagging furiously. As it came over for a bit of fuss I joked to the farmer “You forgot one.”

Without changing expression he grunted “That one don’t bite.” Ah, so humour hasn’t reached this far out yet.

Next minute there was a sharp pain in my ankle, I looked down and realised I was getting attacked by the farmyard rooster. I stepped away but there was a madness in his eyes and he came at me again, peck peck peck. I was hopping and jumping backwards as this feisty feathered fiend came on relentlessly. “Get off me chicken!” I yelled and looked to the farmer to control the bird. As if nothing was happening he grumbled “Have you got something for me or what?” Sorry I’m wasting your time by being pecked to a stump! I turned to the van and opened the side door before jumping in. The mean creature’s head was just above the step as he eyed me with malevolence. I always kept a broom on the van to sweep it out after work, I grabbed it now and prepared myself to defend the van from invasion.

The farmer ignored the stand-off and moaned something about not having all day. I handed him his package from the safety of the van and he signed for it. I was left with no choice but to get back out because there was no way into the cab from there. It was waiting for me as if it knew I would have to drop the broom and walk around to the other side. I was pecked all the way and was forced into a bizarre almost tribal dance, I’m surprised it didn’t start to rain in reply to my jerky movements.

I shouted after the farmer as he headed back to the house that there should be a sign up warning about that bloody bird. His face set like stone he said “What? Like ‘Beware of the cock’?” Perhaps humour had reached that far out, it’s just nobody had told him yet.

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September 10, 2013 - Posted by | Stuff and Nonsense | , , , , , ,

24 Comments »

  1. Great story…

    Comment by bulldog | September 10, 2013 | Reply

  2. We used to have one like that, when I lived on a farm in Ireland. Feisty birds. Our one eventually ended up as Sunday dinner. He should have kept his head down.

    Comment by Christopher Meade | September 10, 2013 | Reply

    • A more evil creature that skulks on God’s clean earth I am yet to meet.

      Comment by Danny Breslin | September 10, 2013 | Reply

  3. That hurt even as I read it… a rooster with a bite… ouch!

    Comment by mj | September 10, 2013 | Reply

  4. I had a giggle thinking of you in your shorts and the rooster chasing your ankles!

    Comment by Yaz | September 10, 2013 | Reply

    • Seriously Yaz, there is something wrong you! It seems you always find my little predicaments amusing. You have a sadistic streak.

      Comment by Danny Breslin | September 13, 2013 | Reply

  5. Bwahahahahaha! Awesome story. Used to watch my *sweet* lil rooster chase our German Shepherd down and take her ball away…mere humans are certainly no match for a uh…cock on a mission 😉

    Comment by MisBehaved Woman | September 10, 2013 | Reply

    • That’s always been my motto….lol

      Comment by Danny Breslin | September 13, 2013 | Reply

  6. Horrible little creature! 🙂

    Comment by marina kanavaki | September 11, 2013 | Reply

    • Bare legs are to a cockeral, as a red rag to a bull. They are irrisistably peckable. You were not to know that though Danny. Live and learn.

      Comment by Christopher Meade | September 11, 2013 | Reply

      • It’s a lesson well learnt.

        Comment by Danny Breslin | September 13, 2013

    • Which one Marina? Me or the bird?

      Comment by Danny Breslin | September 13, 2013 | Reply

      • the bird of course!!!! 🙂

        Comment by marina kanavaki | September 13, 2013

  7. My parents had a rooster that believed he was the cock of the world. He finally made the mistake of attacking one of the grand kids, at which time he was unceremoniously taken to the chopping block and made a fine addition to dumplings.

    Comment by richardmax22 | September 11, 2013 | Reply

    • You served your grandkid up with dumplings?

      Comment by Danny Breslin | September 13, 2013 | Reply

  8. You are quite the story teller, Danny!
    I’m enjoying your book…you are still in the hospital, wondering when your organs will be harvested! 😉

    Comment by Denise Hisey | September 12, 2013 | Reply

    • I’m glad you’re enjoying it Denise. When I had the scan for my kidney stone I was able to check that my insides were still intact….oops, spoiler alert!

      Comment by Danny Breslin | September 13, 2013 | Reply

  9. LOL…. Danny that is great. I am still laughing. When I worked on a farm we had these Banty’s that would attack us on the tractor and the farmer one day showed us how to protect ourselves…. he just backhanded it as hard as he could and it flew about fitty feet and laid there dazed.. another and the same treatment…. I still have one heck of a backhand to this day…those birds hurt and they claw too…oh… one more thing I would’ve loved to see that sign…snicker

    Comment by colliesofthemeadow | September 14, 2013 | Reply

    • They are so aggressive, funny when I look back at it but at the time…well let’s just say it takes a lot to get me up dancing.

      Comment by Danny Breslin | September 16, 2013 | Reply

  10. Hilarious! Reminds me of my friend getting attacked by her friend’s peacock – no blood, but the bruises all over her back were phenomenal!
    Am over visiting from Gina’s 😉

    Comment by ladyofthecakes | September 24, 2013 | Reply

    • You’re very welcome here, I’m glad you came to visit. I didn’t know peacocks were like that, they always look so haughty.

      Comment by Danny Breslin | September 24, 2013 | Reply

      • Apparently, they are really territorial. My friend bent down to pet a kitten, which happened to be on the peacock’s turf. The only thing the peacock is scared of is a dwarf cockerel, which is not just as bent on protecting his territory, but also capable of pulling off some heinous moves!
        The whole story was hilarious…

        Comment by ladyofthecakes | September 24, 2013


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