Danny Breslin

How it is…

The Ideas man

I’ve always wanted to be an inventor. A wild-haired, wild-eyed genius who could revel in his “EUREKA” moment. Inventing a machine that would change the world and make me massively famous. Inventing a labour saving device that would bear my name. I’d like to invent something like self-buttering toast – now that’s genius! I haven’t quite worked out how that could be achieved yet but it sounds grand: The Breslin Butterer.

How about a wife mute button for the remote control? You’re trying to watch the game but she chooses that moment to discuss…I don’t know, whatever earth shattering nonsense she feels needs to be discussed – although its just an excuse to prevent you from being happy of course. Fret no more my fellow sports fans. Hit the wife mute button and no sound will escape that yawning maw! Unfortunately, I’m not entirely sure that this doesn’t constitute spousal abuse so I don’t see it even reaching the design phase.

In the end I won’t invent, design and build the greatest thing ever because of two small problems:

1) I am not an engineer

2) I’m thicker than a slice of elephant pie

There was one great idea I once had though, and I’m positive that if I had followed through with it at the time it would have made me millions. It was this:

If you have ever passed a building site you will have realised that builders only know the first line to songs, eg: “Take that ribbon from your hair, dum de dum de dumdumdoo…” or “I’ll have the last waltz with you, doo dum de dumdum da doodoo.”

Right, so I was going to bring out a compilation album of all the favourites from the building sites, and supply it along with a laminated song sheet so they can sing along with them. Now there is a type of footwear that is favoured by builders called Rigger Boots, and at the time I was formulating this idea there was a player at Liverpool FC from Cameroon called Rigobert Song. (You know where this is going don’t you?) The album would be called “Rigobert Song’s Rigger Boot Songs”.

Rigobert Song

Rigobert Song

I pictured the TV advert for it as having Rigobert in his football kit holding the laminated song sheet and accompanied by dancing girls in toolbelts and hard hats, singing along with “We had joy we had fun we had seasons in the sun…” “And now the end is near…” and many many more!

I’m telling you, it would have worked!!!!


March 4, 2014 - Posted by | Stuff and Nonsense | , , , , , , ,


  1. The simplest inventions have made their inventors millionairs; pop tabs on pop cans, velcro. Hell, one of the the old rock group, The Monkeys, still lives on the royalties of his mother’s invention, White Out, for typwriters.

    Comment by richardmax22 | March 4, 2014 | Reply

    • I didn’t know that, is White Out that liquid paper stuff for correcting mistakes? Mind you, I bet the royalties are starting to dry up now – after all who uses a typewriter anymore?

      Comment by Danny Breslin | March 6, 2014 | Reply

  2. I reckon it would’ve worked too. Though seeing that picture of Rigobert had reminded me of Alex and how badly we miss someone in the middle at Arsenal…
    Good luck with the Butterer. That would definitely be a household must!

    Comment by Sean Smithson | March 6, 2014 | Reply

    • If not in the kitchen then the bedroom…

      Comment by Danny Breslin | March 6, 2014 | Reply

  3. Ha – you may be thick, if you insist, but you sure are special. I never miss on a great soul.

    Comment by Books & Art - Spirit & Soul - Lesley Fletcher | March 7, 2014 | Reply

    • That’s such a nice thing to read, thanks for that.

      Comment by Danny Breslin | March 7, 2014 | Reply

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