Danny Breslin

How it is…

Dry Christmas in Poland

It’s that time of the year again, time for the Breslin Christmas message. This year I think it will be a festive “Punch in the Face” nomination.

Some of you might know that the glamorous yet evil Mrs B has Polish relatives on her father’s side; what? You didn’t know? Well congratulations, you know now. We went to visit them earlier this year, an episode I am yet to share with you but I promise I will very soon, I’ve been so busy – sorry.

Anyway, we sent three boxes of Christmas goodies for the families over there in Drezdenko with sweeties and biscuits and bits and pieces. Among these treats we sent a set of three miniature bottles of cognac for cousin Gregor. We shelled out a few quid for postage because they were sizeable boxes, but they were so kind to us while we were there that we wanted to show our appreciation.

A few days ago now one of the boxes came back. It had been opened and rummaged through and note included which informed us that we had attempted to ship prohibited goods. They had x-rayed the box, spotted the cognac and gone in to investigate. When they found it they reckon they disposed of it, right into the pocket of one of them who will, no doubt, be toasting santa at my expense, the thieving little git!

bootlegger

Why would they get into a flap over three miniatures? I’m not some bootlegger trying to smuggle illegal hooch across borders. I’m no Al Capone or Bugs Moran. I won’t be the instigator of a drink-fuelled orgy of crime across Eastern Europe!

Al Capone

I didn’t realise I was such an international criminal when I included Gregor’s tipple, but even so if I broke the rules then my name is forever mud. What I am peeved about is the fact that after they had removed the offending items, why didn’t they send the rest on to its intended destination? I paid good money for that box to get to Poland yet it never even left the sorting office. Now all those things that we bought won’t get there in time for Christmas and we’ve had to send an email to her relatives explaining why. Thank you so much Royal Mail. You have collectively earned a nomination for “A Punch in the Face”.

How about if I wrap myself up and send myself to that sorting office? When it goes through their x-ray machine they’ll see a body in there so will open it up to investigate. Then like an avenging Jack-in-a-box I’ll spring out and exact justice on these party poopers…or perhaps not. hehehe

Anyway, enough of this nonsense. My friends, wherever you are in the world and whatever faith you follow if any at all,  have a happy and safe Christmas…even that twat who blagged Gregor’s cognac!

grinch

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December 24, 2014 Posted by | A Punch in the Face | , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Wolves Don’t Whistle

wolf whistle

This is a special entry for my award section ‘A Punch in the Face’. Usually it is reserved for individuals who have in some way provoked my ire; this time it’s for an entire group of people – those that wolf whistle.

Now don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a jealousy thing, I’m not bothered that nobody wolf whistles me, in fact I’m glad they don’t, it must be embarrassing being the whistlee, when everybody’s attention is brought to focus on you and, I would hope, even more humiliating for the friends(?), family and just about anybody who has ever come into contact with the whistler.

Wolf whistling just winds me up. For instance, I like 8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown, always good for a chortle or two. Why is it when they introduce Rachel Riley there is always some complete twat in the audience who wolf whistles really loudly? She’s a human being for crying out loud, not the object of your red-faced, tongue down to your knees, steam coming out of your ears, panting fantasy! Do you think that by making that noise she will turn around and ask you to call her? You sad little shit! Why don’t you whistle Susie Dent? Or Jimmy Carr? Okay I can see why you don’t whistle Joe Wilkinson.

Please, do the whole world a favour, next time someone in your vicinity wolf whistles, would you mind awarding them a punch in the face? Eventually, if enough of us punch wolf whistlers then word will get around that being an arsehole can be seriously hazardous to your health.

July 14, 2014 Posted by | A Punch in the Face | , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Just doing their jobs

I’m on the hunt. I caught the scent of an Idea a while back and I’m following its trail, chasing it down. I spy the Idea grazing in a clearing in my mind, I’m downwind of it and it doesn’t know I’m here. The slightest sound will startle it and it will run. My muscles bunch, tense, quivering – I’m about to pounce…

The phone rings and the Idea is gone, skittering off into the tangled undergrowth of my brain.

Me: Hello?

Him: Hello?

Me: Who is this?

Him: Hello, is that Mr Breserling?

Me: Close enough, who are you?

Him: Mr Daniel Breserling?

Me: Yes, and you are?

Him: Hello Mr Daniel Breserling how are you today?

Me: Fair to middling pal, now what do you want?

Him: Hello, my name is Martin and I am calling you today in relation to the accident you had within the last two years…

Me: Can I just interrupt you there Martin?

Him: …er…yes?

Me: Let me spell this out for you son, and I want you to pass this on to Dennis, Christopher, Daphne, Elaine and the two dozen other people you work with who have rung me recently; now are you listening Martin, because this is very important and I wouldn’t want you to be confused.

Him: Yes

Me: Martin, I HAVE NOT had an accident within the last two years, are you taking this down? Now, if you phone me again I’m going to come looking for you and trust me, you DO NOT want that to happen – are we perfectly clear to this point Martin? 

Him: Yes

Me: I’m so pleased. Now, off you f***

That was yesterday. This morning the phone rang:

Hello, is that Mr Breserling?

 

 

April 8, 2014 Posted by | A Punch in the Face | , , , | 23 Comments

I Don’t Get It…

Right, my next nomination for a Punch in the Face is a personal one, it is a bloke I met once many years ago in Wales. He was a friend’s dad, and the first time I was in their house we were chatting away and getting on quite well. Then he asked me my last name, I told him and things changed so quickly I still can’t believe it. “Scottish?” He asked.

“No, my dad’s Irish.”

“Catholic?”

“Erm…well yeah, he is.”

He turned his back on me and said to my friend: “Don’t ever bring this young man into this house again.” With that he strode out of the room and that was the last I saw of him. I couldn’t even reply because my jaw was hanging slack. What just happened?

The shock was replaced by a deep hurt, why was I being judged like this? I spoke to my dad and told him what happened. “How did it make you feel?” He asked.

“I felt a bit sick afterwards, I wish I’d twatted him.”

“Son, you can’t change what’s in a man’s heart by changing the shape of his face.” Maybe not but it would have made me feel better.

So there you have it, a punch in the face owed to Mr Evans of Flintshire.

Now I wouldn’t consider myself a stupid person but there is a lot I don’t understand in this world, things that seem so ridiculous and alien to me that the reasoning behind them won’t penetrate this thick skull, you might as well be explaining theoretical physics to a chimp. So give me a hand here?

I’m not pretending to be politically correct because you, my friends, know that I’m not; I like to think that I hate everybody equally…lol. All I’m asking is how can someone be so twisted by prejudice that they would act in such a way? What is it with racism? How can you just dismiss a whole race of people and say you hate them because they are a different colour or religion or come from a different part of the world? Whatever happened to the idea that we are individuals? Now despising those supporting a different footie team – that I can understand.

These people justify their prejudice with sweeping and blatantly untrue statements about the imagined shared characteristics of the “other”. Lies that are passed down from their parents like heirlooms or passed around by their peers like a bag of sweets.

I don’t get it. I’ve told people that coming out with unfounded generalisations makes them look ignorant. “Yeah but you know what they’re like…” (Add the community of your choice.)

Please, will someone kindly explain it to me because I just don’t get it…

May 21, 2013 Posted by | A Punch in the Face | , , , , , | 14 Comments

I Shed No Tears

Courtesy The Guardian

Courtesy The Guardian

I don’t want to get political, I try to keep it light as you know. I also don’t wish to speak ill of the dead but until I see the stake through her heart, the head seperated from the body and wolfsbane stuffed in her mouth to stop her rising again, I won’t sleep at night.

I cannot fathom why they want to give Margaret Thatcher – The Blue Witch – a state funeral, she was the most unpopular primeminister since…well…ever. That was until the The Falklands War when we got all patriotic and she set herself up as the great conqueror , successor to Winston Churchill and Boudicca. I don’t remember many bullets whizzing past her sainted head at Goose Green! Men gave their lives and she fed off it like all parasite politicians.

She sold off all our national assets to the highest foriegn bidder, destroyed manufacturing and heavy industry, tore apart whole communities that relied on their local industry such as coal mines, steelworks, dockyards etc. and made the gulf between rich and poor so wide it became insurmountable. Where there was harmony she sowed discord. She caused riots in the streets through her wicked policies that caused mass unemployment and social deprivation and the evil poll tax which caused so much civil unrest they had to oust her from office. She took the Great out of Great Britain yet we’re burying her like a national heroine? She should have been hung as a traitor!

A few years ago they were discussing putting taxpayers money aside for when she popped her clogs, the Scottish comedian Frankie Boyle said that we’d be better off using the money to buy a shovel for every single person in Scotland and they’d dig a hole so deep that they could deliver her to Satan personally.

April 13, 2013 Posted by | A Punch in the Face | , , , , , , | 20 Comments

A Punch in the Face: nominations please?

I growl, grunt, shout and swear at the television news; I don’t care, it gives me a release. I shout at stupid politicians who cannot open their mouths without lying. David Cameron blushes when he lies, that’s why he’s permanently pink. George Osborne just looks sinister: his black, souless eyes like a demon on Supernatural.

I shout at the way the news reports wars as being necessary and a distinct line drawn between the good guys (that’s us in the west by the way) and the bad guys (that would be just about everyone else who doesn’t like getting s*** on by multinational corporations). I hate seeing orphaned kids, refugees whose home has been bombed out of existence, ripped up bodies of people, real people; all that is missing is the tagline: “It serves them right for being foreign.”

I shout at the ludicrous idea that the poor should be made to pay for the mistakes of the rich. The cowboy bankers have ruined the world economy so to pay for it we are slashing benefits for the poorest and most vulnerable members of society. Even if you don’t believe in handouts you can still see the problem with taking money to spend out of the hands of people who can’t work.

My dad often used to say: “Jaysus, I’d love to give him a puck in the gob.” That roughly translates from Dublin into English as “I’d love to punch him in the face.” Now I don’t condone violence as you know, but there is something very satisfying about imagining yourself punching someone who annoys you in the face. So I’ve decided to accept nominations for people in the spotlight who YOU think deserve a f****** good punch in the face and why. They can be politicians, sports people, film stars, entertainers, or the bloke next door who won’t turn his music down. I’ll choose my favourite and give them the award. Not physically you understand, this is just for a bit of a laugh, so under no circumstances should you say to yourself, “You know what? That fella really does deserve to be punched, I just pop round there now…”

IDS

My first nomination is Ian Duncan-Smith, our beloved head of the Department for Work and Pensions. Look at him there laughing at ‘the great unwashed’. He gets his nomination for his defence of the above mentioned benefit cuts by saying that he could live on £53 per week. I am not sure that this multimillionaire could pay his staff in any of his multimillion pound properties if he was just on £53 per week. So, Mr Duncan-Smith congratulations, step forward for your Punch in the Face.

Your turn – who would you like to punch in the face and why?

By the way, today is your last chance to download our Marion’s book for free so if you haven’t done it yet get over to Amazon and look for Crystal Healing & the Human Energy Field: A Beginner’s Guide by Marion McGeough. Just give her a review on Amazon, a tweeted link, a blog post etc. You know the score. For more info on Reiki you can visit her website at the British Academy of Reiki

 

April 3, 2013 Posted by | A Punch in the Face | , , , , , , , | 15 Comments

   

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